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Jerry Hayes

Watch out for Balls at Saddleworth. When Blair had mass at Number 10. And when Widders & short nearly became a panto cow.

December 18th, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

I can tell you now who will be the winner of the Saddleworth by election on  13th January. Ed Balls.

To be honest, I”ve missed the swaggering arrogance, the malice aforethought and the utter contempt he holds for anyone that stands in his way of becoming Master of the Universe. If Shakespeare had named a play after him it would be the Merchant of Menace.

The trouble for MiliEd is, that for perfectly sensible reasons of survival, he exiled Balls to the backwater of Shadowing Theresa May.It’s not that he is unable to display the full range of his political expertise, it’s just that it doesn’t play well with the public to be seen monstering a woman. So here is this towering hunk of ambition and malice turned into a frustrated wreck of gibbering inactivity. But now is his chance to shine and let loose all his rage against Tory Toffs, and their wicked, turncoated, hypocritical, lying lickspittle Quislings, the Lib Dems. For for Balls this the equivalent of a spincter rattling, sac clenching, multiorgasmic,political wank. And for three whole sperm spattered weeks. Whatever you think of this ghastly spot on the political scrotum, he is a phenomenal and effective campaigner. And anything can happen at Saddleworth.

Labour’s last campaign is nothing less than smoking wreckage of chicanery, trickery and lies. And the smolder will be fanned into a raging furnace.    The punters won’t forget that in a hurry. And the Lib Dem candidate, tingling with hope over expectation, is going to get a rough ride from former Labour supporters who feel betrayed over student fees.

So the conundrum is how will the Tories fare? Their candidate came a very respectable third and just 2,500 from victory. But he is disliked by the rank and file for being parachuted in by the Cameroons. Will they work for him? And will Tory High Command give him more than luke warm support? Judging by by Cameron’s low key endorsement, don’t hold your breath.

I suspect that the secret wish of Team Cameron is that the Lib Dems will win. Firstly, out of fairness. Their candidate was cheated out of victory and has been ferociously working the seat for the last few months. Secondly, it would shore up Clegg’s position, which at the moment is not in danger,but could be at risk if they are hammered in next May’s elections. Interestingly, they could lose substantial numbers of seats. Yet if the polls are correct,  they could win the AV vote. Spooky. And very unpredictable.

But the potential victim in this strange little event is MiliEd. He will be out classed and outshined by Balls. he will give the impression of being the organ grinder’s monkey If, in the unlikely event that Labour, wins he will only get some of the credit, but there will be screams to move Balls to a more visible role. Screams that MiliEd would be unwise to ignore, but loathe to act on. And whose brilliant idea was it to launch the campaign on law and order? Insane.

The only winner will be Cameron. If Labour wins it’s not a gain, nor a smack in the face for the Tories. If the Lib Dems win it’s a boost for Clegg and if the Tories win MiliEd is in very deep trouble. Mmm, I might even pop up for a day.

How good it was to have lunch with my old friend the reverend Michael Seed yesterday. This is the Roman Catholic Friar who has collected the souls of Ann Widdecombe, John Gummer and, of course, the saintly Tony Blair, for His Holiness. Now, Michael, as well as being a deeply spiritual man is also a seriously good bloke with a great sense of humour. He told me two cracking stories. Firstly, when he used to attend Number 10 to say a private mass for the Blairs he always had to insist that his makeshift altar was denuded of two rather off putting coasters for the water and wine that Tony was rather attached to. They were George Bush coasters. I don’t think that His Holiness would have approved.

Lastly, he told me of the time when he nearly persuaded Ann Widdecombe and Claire short to take part in a stunt for CAFOD, a Catholic anti hunger charity. It never quite got of the ground when the women realised that Widdecome was to be the head of a pantomine cow, whilst Claire was to be the back end. The idea was that they were to prance around mooing a number of alliterative slogans. Bless. I wonder why they didn’t think it was a brilliant idea?

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Comments [ 7 ]

  1. Paul Bentley Paul Bentley says:

    Here in Winchester in 1997, when Gerald Howarth contested the election result and had a re-run, the endlessly curious Mark Oaten absolutely humiliated Howarth. Surely the irritation of having to vote again from a slate of who-could-care-less will have a similar effect on the poor buggers in Oldham and Saddleworth.

    • Jerry Hayes Jerry Hayes says:

      You are probably right. But it was another Gerald, who used to to be MP for Aberdeen South and eventually lost to Outen. Can’t remember his last name & I only had a drink with him a couple of months ago! This will bug me!

  2. Colleen Colleen says:

    How does the privately educated son of a zoologist turn out to be so consumed with power lust and class hatred? Even during the leadership campaign when Balls tried to reinvent himself as a kindly, cake making vicar type: he just couldn’t hack it. Was he kept in an experimental box as a child, do you think? One like the ‘heir conditioner’ box in which – alleged scientist – BF Skinner is rumoured to have raised one of his children? I agree with you about the outcome at Saddleworth, a Lib Dem win may help save Clegg and would be a win for Cameron

    • Jerry Hayes Jerry Hayes says:

      Didn’t know that hen was the son of a zoologist. Jess Yates used to keep Paul in a box next to his organ. Have a good Christmas.

  3. Adam Collyer Adam Collyer says:

    I expect Labour to win that by-election easily. Experience shows that those who challenge the results of elections are normally humiliated in the re-run.

    Also, regardless of the merits or otherwise of Phil Woolas’ leaflets, the mud he slung will have stuck.

    What’s more, as you point out, the Tories were really not far behind. Muslim activists in the constituency supported the Lib Dems last time even though the Tory was a Muslim – but only because the Tory, they claimed, stood no chance. Now that he has proved he does have a chance, they may swing behind him.

    I suspect the lack of support from Cameron for the Tory will have no discernible effect whatsoever! In fact, it may help the local Tories to rally behind him.

    My prediction is that Labour will win, the Tories come second, and the Lib Dems trail in third. We shall see!

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