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Jerry Hayes

Depriving family Balls of an economic brief has isolated Miliband. He is hated by the Blairites and distrusted by the left. It’s not Game On, It’s Game for a Laugh.

October 8th, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

If there is interference with your television set, don’t be troubled, it will be coming from Number Ten. A heady mix of hysterical laughter and incredulity can play havoc with the electrics and the neutering of Labour’s two most effective economic troublemaker’s, Balls and Cooper is taking a joke a little too far.

The one message that rather edgy Cabinet Ministers whispered to me this week, was that although Balls is a repulsive little shit and his wife gives the impression of being the pantomime boy, both would be deadly with economic briefs. “Very effective”, was the consensus. Putting them in at any combination of Treasury and Business would not be fatal for the Coalition, but would have caused some very serious injuries. And a great deal of anxiety.  So, on the 20th October, when the government would be at it’s most vulnerable since the election, Alan Johnson, bright, charming and a gifted Commons operator, but never the owner of Treasury brief, will lead the fight back without the advantage of a shield of a fiscal policy, nor a deep understanding of Economics.

What does it tell us? Firstly, that MiliEd doesn’t trust Balls, because he knows that his thuggish determination would hijack the Shadow Cabinet and undermine his authority. Secondly, that by appointing the wife to any economic brief, it would give the impression that there was a very powerful back seat driver guiding the controls.

For Miliband’s short political survival this was a shrewd move. For making a fist of defeating the Coalition it is insane. It also shows that Johnson is merely going to be an economic fig leaf, and the real Shadow Chancellor is going to be one Ed Miliband. In government, this was last attempted by Ted Heath, who totally controlled Tony Barber.  He engineered a U turn which led to his party’s extinction at the polls and spawned Margaret Thatcher and all her works. Oh, and nobody has been daft enough to try it in Opposition. Until today.

So what has Miliband achieved?  The making of two powerful mortal enemies for a start. Two Balls are more useful than one. The Ballette is not to be underestimated. After all, she garnered the highest Shadow Cabinet vote. Putting Balls in a downgraded Shadow department leaving him just to attack May on such delights as ASBOS, and Dangerous Dogs, is both incomprehensible and a total waste of his considerable talents. Giving the Foreign Office, a non job in Opposition, to Ballette  is just a criminal waste. And  imagine the secret discussions that are taking place with another Miliband casualty, former Chief Whip and Brown fixer extraordinaire, Nick Brown. The fightback has begun, but it will Balls’ not Ed’s.

But the abject stupidity and sheer political naivety of these appointments is how isolated Miliband has become. The majority of the PLP and grass roots didn’t vote for him the Blairites are bitter and briefing against him. Now, he has upset the left and the Unions because he is adopting the Darling approach of halving the deficit in four years, a sort of Osborne lite.

This is not Game on. It’s Game for a laugh.

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The Achilles heel of the Coalition is it’s treatment of Parliament. Timetabling the AV referendum Bill is an act of monumental folly.

August 3rd, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

As the Shadow cabinet huddle round their Ouija board in a desperate attempt to make contact with the living, their leadership contenders sleepwalk their messages through the media. The poor devils Zombie their way from ghastly meeting to awful gathering with all the enthusiasm of  doorstep encyclopedia salesman. More than a month to go and they still can’t stir up apathy. At the Weekend Miliband D hit the airwaves in an embarrassing punt at populism with a,  ”save our pubs” campaign. His press release, written in pure Jim Garnerese, gave parady a bad name, “It could be last orders for British pubs” , he squealed. “Make no mistake……”  I really can’t go on, it is just too painful, save to say that there is a photo of the great man with a pint of bitter poised at his lips. We are told it is London Pride, probably because some ghastly wannabe thought it would be good for the gay vote.

This morning it is the turn of Mr. Balls to grace our breakfast tables. The sight of this grotesque, smug, Jabba the Hutt like figure lecturing the Labour party on how to win the next election would be comedic if it wasn’t so tragic. The only battle he is trying win is not being slaughtered in the polls by that political genius Diane Abbott. The poor man is totally deluded. He is not just going to be beaten for the leadership, his treatment will make the stringing of Mussolini from a lampost look like a charm offensive.  But he still doesn’t understand. After, being shot,stabbed, fed Prussic acid and floating down the St Petersburg Canal encased in ice, even Rasputin eventually got the message.

It’s all very well for  Labour to try and derail the coalition by picking at the scab of Liberal Democrat cutting fast and loose with their voters, short term its quite effective, but long term the public will soon get bored. The real Achilles heal of this government is its treatment of Parliament. I had hoped Cameron had learned his lesson in his ill fated attempt to pack the 1922 with his supporters. Sadly, not. The Cameroons had crack at removing Bill Cash from the chair of an important European Scrutiny committee. This was pretty stupid, not just because it failed, but because Cash is a busted flush; a political irrelevance.  As a result, a lot of backbenchers, particularly of the right, nurse a simmering resentment. But the message still hasn’t been taken on board. The government intends to timetable the AV referendum Bill, leaving just two days for pre legislative scrutiny. This is an act of monumental folly. This is a bill that abolishes parliamentary seats, and redistributes boundaries. This a bill that proposes to hold the AV referendum on the same day as the Scottish and Welsh elections. This is a bill of immense constitutional importance and deserves proper scrutiny. Try and railroad this one through old son and you will unite every parliamentary bore with a grudge from every wing of every party. At the end of the day, this is a bill whereby a large number of  vociferous turkeys are being asked to vote for Christmas, so at least humour them before Mr. Bernard Mathews wrings there little necks. And listen to Graham Allen. Graham Allen is the chairman of the select committee monitoring the office of the Deputy Prime Minister. It is his committee which as been given just two days of pre legislative scrutiny to one of the most far reaching constitutional changes in a century. He is cerebral, honest and has carved out a niche in the Commons as the man who has fought fearlessly against his own government to restore power to the backbenches. He has that rare commodity in Westminster; respect. Yesterday, in his own quiet and unassuming way he warned the coalition of the folly of curtailing debate. They will ignore him at their Peril. Sometimes it is necessary for a government to stand firm and unyielding for fear of appearing weak. This is not the time for big willy machismo games. Parliament has been given a new and more powerful voice, it must be allowed to use it. Think again Mr. Clegg. Remember that it was the bedrock of pragmatic realism that this Coalition was founded upon.

Bilderberg, Balls and the tragedy of the Milibands.

July 25th, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

Good God, perhaps David Ike was right! Perhaps the world is run by a sinister group of lizards disguised as bankers and senior politicians known as the Bilderberg Group, who plot in secret, to manically rule the world. For  now we have the ocular proof.  The reptilian Ed Balls, has been been spotted at these meetings with Lord Black , a cold blooded creature  with hidden poisonous sacs.  But don’t be fooled. Don’t think for one moment that Balls is threatening to pull out of the leadership race just because he graciously accepted a couple of freebies on the old jailbird’s private jet. Oh no. He is heading for the hills because he faces a toe curdling, sphincter rattling, ball sac tightening, defeat. Even before his mates at UNITE  switched off his life support system in an act of  selfless humanity for the nation, he was about to be trounced by that great political titan, Diane Abbott; Hackney’s answer to Cleopatra.  Now that gives humiliation a really bad name. It is a terrifying thought that she will be elected to the Shadow Cabinet as a result.  So Balls’s game plan is positioning. Please David, I’ll give you a free rein if you make me your shadow Chancellor. It is the last throw of the dice of a desperate man. A man so toxic that he should be placed in the political equivalent of Sellafied. Why on earth should Mili D  touch him with a cattle prodder?  He brings nothing to the table except the raw and painful memories of all that was so awful about the Brown camp; the bullying, the poisonous briefings, the betrayals. So matey, be pathetically grateful if Mili D just gouges out your eyes and pisses in the sockets.

Someone really ought to do a psychological  study of why anyone of sound mind wants to be a leader of a political party. Think of the poor devils running for Labour. Week after week of mind erasing awfulness, stuck in rooms with people you dislike, in places you never want to visit again and driving yourself insane with the cliche ridden, saccharine that you are obliged to orate. And then, when you win, the press crawling over your every indiscretion, with those whom who hardly know, tittle tattling away your hard earned reputation, for a fistful of grubby notes. Then, the next few months trying to make your party credible and electable, fighting unseen battles with those praying you would fall under the wheel of a number 11 bus, whist others are plotting to drive it.

I cannot think of one single modern Prime Minister who has not left office damaged goods. Eden was a broken man. MacMillan, swamped in the Profumo  Scandal. Heath, bitter and twisted. Thatcher, thrown into the gutter. Major despising the job and taking solace in cricket. Blair, bundled into the boot of a Mafiosa’s car,  seeing his  reputation drop quicker than Katie Price’s knickers. And you just have to look at the highways and byways of Westminster to see the carelessly discarded reputations of those party leaders who didn’t even make it to the top job. So, I really do worry about the Milibands. They are brothers. They love each other. They are decent people. Is a political party, any party, worth  the destruction of such a relationship?  This really could unfold into a terrible, character warping, personal tragedy for both of them. I really hope that  when it’s all over they can give each other a hug, shed a few tears, forget and ultimately forgive. There is far too much bitterness in politics already and two more emotional body bags will do no service to Labour, let alone their families.

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