Aggregated UK political opinion content, stakeholder research and policy consultations.
Jerry Hayes

There was jubilation at Westminster today as the first of the Liberal Democrat MPs, Trapped in total darkness since May, were hauled to safety. But there were grave fears that, Hughes, Kennedy and Russell would not make it. t

October 13th, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

There was jubilation at Westminster today as the first of the 54 Liberal Democrat MP’s, Los 54, were hauled to safety. At a make shift media village named Camp Hope, Deputy Minister for Mines, Nicholas Clegg, embraced the first survivor, the foreman, Dr Cable.  Cable has been trapped underground with fellow Liberal Democrat MPs  since May, without heat, light and minimal contact with the outside world.

Said Dr. Cable, “In May we were working away at the coal face firm in our belief that tuition fees should not be raised. Then suddenly the roof caved in and we were trapped. Days and weeks passed in total darkness. Many had to drink their own urine for survival, but we Lib Dems have been taking the piss for years, we knew we would win through. It was a fight between God and the Devil down there , but God won”. Dr Cable is 103 today.

Mining Minister, David Cameron, was also there, hugging and kissing those brave men and women who are now seeing the light for the first time in months, and had to shield their eyes with dark glasses from the harsh glare of realism. But Cameron, his voice quaking with emotion, made this heartfelt pledge to the British people. “For years I have been deeply concerned about the safety of the Liberal Democrats. Standards have been at rock bottom for far too long. There has been too much light touch regulation of these people. Reckless and uncosted promises have been made purely to pander to the whims of  an acned bunch of drunken wasters, sometimes known as students. This will have to stop. A lot of them have never even voted Conservative. It is this government’s top priority put the safety of the Liberal Democrats first”.

One by one, the shocked, scared and sometimes delusional MPs were taken to makeshift television studios, chanting, “Fee, fees, fees, up, up, up”. The more confused were medicated by Dr Willetts, Minister for Health and Re education, until their happy, smiling faces could be presented to the world.

With tears of emotion coursing down his cheeks, Dr Cable, winner of the Mother Teresa medal of Pious Compassion, spoke to reporters, saying that he did not want to be a celebrity, “I would like you to treat me as what I am”. At that, a scary man, now known to the police as Edward Balls, broke through police cordons screaming, “Die bitches, die!”  Sources close to Mr. Cameron, say that he has been placed in the protective custody of Lord Mandelson for psychological tests and genital realignment.

But it is not all joy and jubilation at Camp Hope. There is a fear that Bob Russell, Simon Hughes and Charles Kennedy may not be saved. Says Nicholas Clegg, “God, these men are family. These are hard times and cuts have got to be made and if that means the cable to Phoenix 1, so be it. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. Hell, I love those guys.”

Tags [ , ]

Categories [ politics ]

Comments [ 9 ]

Leave your comment

Call me an old cynic but what is Vince Cable up to?

May 30th, 2010 by Jerry Hayes

The personal tragedy of David Laws is not the beginning of the end of the coalition nor even the end of the beginning, but it has diverted attention away from a potential hazard that puzzles me. I can understand why Vince Cable wanted to relinquish the role of Deputy Leader of his party, which is about as relevant and utilitarian as a cat flap in a submarine. To abandon the rubber chicken circuit, administering counselling to a potentially fractious grass roots is a distraction from the enormities of his cabinet job. In fact,nobody in their right mind would want the job, which is probably why Simon Hughes is so keen to get it. But why did Cable anoint him as his successor?

Simon is a lovely chap, delightfully disorganized and brimming with ideas. Yet he does represent the Rampton Wing of his party. In the days when the SDP was just a mischievous glint in David Owen’s eye, Simon was leading the unreconstructed woolly hat brigade. Bizarre compromises would suddenly appear from nowhere. In the emotionally charged debate on the age of sexual equality Simon announced to the House that the age on consent should be seventeen. Why? Heaven knows. And recently, in an almost Whovian strangulation of logic, he came up with the corker of setting up Lib Dem shadows for his own coalition government. Matron! Medication quickly!

So, call me an old cynic, but what is Vince Cable up to? He is a thoroughly able member of the government and committed to the coalition, but every fibre of his cerebral cortex is that of tax and spend. The poor chap has probably had to develop more reverse gears than an Italian tank. Does he want Hughes in place to stoke the flames of Liberalism? To be the tweaker in Chief of consciences? To harrow the government with every crackers idea that slips into the Hughes mind? This may not be the plan but the reality could be a total nightmare. It’s difficult enough getting policy through the department, then Number 10, then the Treasury, then the Commons and Lords without the added factor of Hughesian bonkery validated with some form of democratic mandate.

And then there are the other candidates for the job. Just where are they?  I’m sure Tim Farron is a lovely chap, but when I Googled him, Paris Hilton’s dogs got more column inches. He’s not even a household name in his own household. But there are some perfectly sensible people who could do a sane  and sensible job in helping keep the Lib Dems’ feet on the ground. What about Don Foster, Bob Russell or even bring in old stagers like Alan Beith or Malcolm Bruce. And what about shoving Paul Keetch into the Lords and giving him the job?  The talent is there, it’s just that someone at the top needs to think this through.

And as for Simon Hughes? A challenge. Put him in charge of a commission which will take years to report back, make him President of the Council of Europe. You could even make him Governor of Bermuda. Just keep him busy and out of the way.

Comments [ 12 ]

Leave your comment